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An old Oxford professor is nearing retirement and decides that he wants to do something fun for once. He's spent his whole life researching scientific theories in his lab and wants to do something outside for a change, so he asks his assistant for a suggestion of something different to go and research.

This assistant is a bit of a git and decides he'll play a prank on the old man, and suggests he research 'sheep shagging'.

The professor thinks this is a great idea and heads off to Wales to begin his research.He heads out to the countryside and finds a farmer to quiz about his unnatural habits. The professor greets him and asks if he's got time to answer a couple of quick questions.

"No problem boyo" says the farmer, "go right ahead.

"Well," said the professor, "what I'd like to know first is, do you own any sheep here?"

"Of course boyo, biggest farm for miles round here I have. We've got loads of 'em"

"Great, now the next question is a bit personal - do you use your sheep for sex?"

"Ohh, too right boyo. There's three or four out there who are my particular favourites."

"So, how exactly do you... do it?"

"Well, normally I take them down to the river, I slap their back feet in my wellies, the sheep pushes back from the water, bloody heaven boyo."

The professor thanks him and heads for the airport. Having heard about the Kiwis, he heads out to New Zealand with exactly the same plan. He finds a farm, talks to the farmer and gets the same responses.

"Round up the sheep, head 'em up towards a cliff and off you go. Back feet in my boots, sheep pushing back from the cliff, bloody marvelous mate."

Again, the professor thanks him and decides that his research needs only one more addition. So he jets off to the world centre of sheep shagging, Australia. Once in Australia, he drives out to the bush, finds the biggest farm he can and knocks on the farmhouse door. He repeats his questions to the farmer. "Too right mate. Usually I stick their back legs in me wellies, front legs over me shoulders and away we go!"

"So the sheep faces you? That's strange - I've been talking to people around the world about this, and they all do it with the sheep facing away from them."

The Aussie is shocked. For a few seconds he can't speak, then he manages to stutter, "What? No kissing?"
Two deeply religious Irish retirees were sitting on a patio playing checkers and sipping fine Irish whiskey. They enjoyed the mid-day sun almost as much as much as watching the local citizens walk by.

A few minutes go by and a middle-aged women pushes a baby stroller past the patio.

The first Irishman looks to the other and says, "You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?"

"Aye," says the other as he takes a pull from his whiskey. "Shamus, I surely am. A fine day for a stroll with a wee one."

"Aye," agrees the first Irishman and they go about their game of checkers.

A few minutes later, a young couple stroll down the avenue hand in hand, gazing deeply into each others eyes.

The first Irishman looks to the other and says, "You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?"

"Aye," says the other as he takes another pull from his whiskey. "Shamus, I surely am. A fine day for a stroll with a lover."

"Aye," agrees the first Irishman and they do about their game of checkers. A few more minutes later, a young lass wearing clothes scarcely covering her shapely curves stops in front of the patio, bends over in front of the Irishmen giving them full exposure to her lovely cleavage, and smells the flowers in a near flower bed and walks on.

The first Irishman looks to the other and says, "You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?"

"I'm not rightly sure this time, Shamus," says the other as he takes yet another pull from his whiskey. "But if I am, I'll surely be joinin' you in confession this afternoon."
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