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An Irish golfer slices his tee shot into the woods. Looking for it, he finds it near a tiny man lying near a bush with this huge knot on his head. The golfer revives the leprechaun.

When he awakes, he says, "I will grant you three wishes."

The man replies, "I want nothing from you. I'm just glad I didn't hurt you." and walks away.

The leprechaun says, "He was a nice guy and, after all, he did catch me. I should do something nice for him. I'll just give him the three most common wishes: unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life."

A year later, the same golfer hits a great shot on the same hole on the same course, but decides to check out the woods anyway. Sure enough, there's the same leprechaun.

"How are you?" he asks.

The leprechaun says, "I'm fine! How's your golf game?"

"It's great! Every round I'm under par!"

"I did that for you," responds the leprechaun. "And how's your financial condition?"

"Amazing. Ever since I met you, every time I reach into my pocket, there's money there."

"I did that for you, too!" responds the leprechaun. "So how's your sex life?"

Now the golfer looks at the ground. "Well, maybe once or twice a week."

The leprechaun is floored. "Once or twice a week?! That's all?"

"Well, that's not too bad for a small town Catholic priest!"
Little Johnny was playing in the backyard when some honeybees started annoying him.

He tried to stomp on them, but his father reprimanded him, saying, "Stop that, John! Now you'll get no honey for a month!"

Later, Little Johnny caught some butterflies and started torturing them.

His father yelled, "Stop that, John! Now you'll get no butter for a month!"

That evening, as Little Johnny's mother prepared dinner, a cockroach scurried across the kitchen floor. She stomped it dead.

Little Johnny looked at his father and asked, "You gonna tell her or should I?"