Wilford went to the doctor for constipation. He explained to the doc that it had several days since he had a bowel movement and it was getting rather painful.

After examining Wilford the doctor said, "Lets see, you live out of town don't you?"

Wilford nodded.

"Okay, you drive the speed limit of 30 mph to the city limits and turn off on a farm to market road and drive 55 mph for 6 miles?"

Again Wilford nodded.

"Then you turn onto a dirt road and drive about 20 mph for 2 miles to your house, is that correct?"

Once more Wilford nodded.

"Okay, I'm going to give you this powerful laxative and you need to go straight home. Do not stop anywhere or drive any slower."

So Wilford drove home exactly as the doctor said.

A few days later, Wilford saw the doctor up town and stated, "Doc, you should have been an engineer or mathematician. I can't believe how accurate you were with the directions on that laxative."

Doc said, "I glad you are feeling better. So, you made it just fine to the toilet?"

"No, explained Wilford, you were 3 feet short."
Margie received a bill from the hospital for her recent surgery, and was astonished to see a $1200 fee for the anesthesiologist. She called his office to demand an explanation.

"Is this some kind of mistake?" Margie asked when she got the doctor on the phone.

"No, not at all," the doctor said calmly.

"Well," said Margie, "that's awfully costly for knocking someone out."

"Not at all," replied the doctor. "I knock you out for free. The 1200 dollars is for bringing you back around."
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