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During church service, this 16-year old pastor's daughter stood up and said, "Praise the Lord!"

Everybody shouted with joy, "Hallelujah!"

She continued, "Since the age of 13, I've been experiencing painful monthly periods. But now, after a series of Bible studies and prayers with brother Solomon in his house, my monthly periods have stopped for more than 3 months now. No more pain, no more menstruation. You can see I'm even getting fatter and prettier.
We are starting to pray seriously about the small problem of vomiting, especially in the morning. Praise the Lord."

The whole church was silent! Brother Solomon fainted.
A modern Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for their religious wedding, meets with their rabbi for counseling. The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave.

The man asks, "Rabbi, we realize it's tradition for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women at the reception, but, we'd like your permission to dance together."

"Absolutely not," says the rabbi. "It's immodest. Men and women always dance separately."

"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"

"NO!" answered the rabbi. "It's absolutely forbidden."

"Well, okay," says the man. "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"

"Of course!" replies the rabbi. "Sex is a mitzvah within marriage, to have children."

"What about different positions?" asks the man.

"No problem," says the rabbi. "It's a mitzvah."

"With the woman on top?" the man asks.

"Sure," says the rabbi. "Go for it! It's a mitzvah."

"Can we do it doggy style?"

"Sure! Another mitzvah."

"On the kitchen table?"

"Yes, yes! A mitzvah!"

"Can we do it on rubber sheets with mirrors on the ceiling, a bottle of hot oil, a vibrator, a leather whip, a bucket of honey and a porno video?"

"You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah."

"Can we do it standing up?"

"NO, NO, NO!" cries the Rabbi. "Absolutely NEVER standing up!"

"Why not?" asks the man.

"Could lead to dancing."